I am not always a persevering personality.
In fact, I'm a pushover. r to put it nicely: I'm a "pleaser." I have a really hard time saying No, or asking for things that I want. I acquiesce to what others want or expect of me. I don't make waves. I might feel taken advantage of, but I will never show it. In fact it is exactly this personality trait that makes many people like me - or think they do. This is what a lot of us pleasers face, as I'm sure you know if you are one: once other people have come to expect this behavior from you, it seems impossible to change. Learning to say "No" often creates rifts, because others have come to expect a certain outcome from you, and they enjoy the complete lack of need to consider you when making decisions or choosing their behavior. Facing this pushback is just one of many factors that make it very hard to grow out of these characteristics; it is a lifelong struggle. I certainly haven't achieved success in this arena (though even writing this proves that I'm making some sort of progress) and I imagine most of us never do.
But. There are times when I can be really stubborn. There are certainly moments when I get something into my head, and well. Once that happens? You best believe I am going to do it.
This doesn't happen often and truly, it's not a huge part of who I am. But that part is there, and though I know there are times when it's done me no good, mostly I relish that little part of me. I am so weak in so many ways, but there are moments when I won't take no for an answer. To be clear, those situations really only involve only self-discipline - certainly not standing up to other people - but still. It counts for something, right?
I'll take my gumption where I can get it. I'm working on cultivating more.
This post is a rambling reflection on myself. Sometimes life hands you lemons. Sometimes we have bad moods and sometimes they are warranted and sometimes they're not. Sometimes bad things are disguises for good opportunities. I mentioned a post or two ago that I was thinking of putting together a bucket list and after some culminating life stuff recently I thought, yes. Yes let's make a life list, write it down, get it out there, get some focus. Be mindful, stubborn, decisive. Get inspired.
So for better or for worse, with generous nod to the unknown, a predetermined idea to add to this as necessary, and the right to always and any time simply change my mind:
THE LIFE LIST
- grow a vegetable garden
- go to Iceland
- establish a daily meditation practice
- attend a yoga retreat in a beautiful (hopefully foreign?) location
- attend a silent meditation retreat
run a marathon
- adopt a shelter dog
- adopt a shelter cat
- work with foster, homeless or runaway children
- build the cabin
- go back to India
- study another language
Currently, the most foreseeable potential accomplishment on this list is number 6 (as totally terrifying as that is). I don't plan to bore you to death with the details but I will say that between full time work, eating, sleeping and running, my time is going to be pretty piecemeal in the near future. But it's okay! It is a limited time endeavor. It's not forever. And if it actually happens, it will feel SO. GOOD. to cross that one off. Oh, textiles! I miss you. Let's be secret liaisons and treasure the stolen moments we have together.
Life is short and precious and our moments here are gifts, each one.